A Feature

“Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. 

Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.  

Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That's why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there'd be no Resistance.”

-The War of Art, Steven Pressfield

 

Recently I have been living to bounce back from being flattened by resistance. Is that something I've already written about? Likely. And likely you too have experienced the shocking weight of fear and pushing forward. It is quite frankly the worst and most paralyzing thing.  

But today, in a couple hours I am releasing to the social media a featured video about myself and my work.  This experience has been entirely terrifying and exhilarating.  It is so vulnerable to provide a way for people to see me, and REALLY see me for my work and as an artist.  

As we sat down to figure out the direction for this video, all I really wanted above all else, was that the film be true. The struggle of an artist is real.  It is a huge blessing to choose to follow my purpose, however that choice is difficult. I never leave the office.  I live in the humbling presence of the muse and I want to value that choice always. 

So this feature is for that.  World! I am here! I am working and will not stop working ever.  Resistance may win some days, but it will not win my life.  My momentum is building gradually and I will not ignore it.  

Sisters

These two works have never caused me so much angst.  I had completed the (current) right panel first. I knew that from the beginning of working on Not Being that I wanted it to have a sister panel. Something that could stand alone but when paired with another canvas could be even stronger. Sisters, yes, but also symbolic of a perfect dynamic of people. (Wink!)

I drew sketch after sketch of what I wanted the sister panel to look like, but every time I sat down to actually create it, it turned out entirely wrong and muddled, as if I had entirely forgot how I work.  I painted over the left panel 3 times before I sat down with myself, completely perplexed, and frustrated.  Why wasn't it working.  I knew what I wanted.  I had a plan. I was a professional.  Why couldn't I pin it down.

Of course, like all life lessons occur, they don't just present themselves to you neatly with a bow on top.  This sister was my life lesson incarnate.  It wasn't working because I was trying to make the work be something that it perhaps was not destined to be. I never plan works ahead of time, always in the moment.  I trust the muse to flow through me, and I always have, except with this piece. By this simple action of thoughtlessly trying to take control of the process, the painting and results failed me time after time.  It was not my job to control the outcome of my works, it is my job to be a tool of the universe. 

The lesson? If it is meant to be, it will be. You can want it and will it but in the end, it's not up to anything other than the universe. 

As soon as I gave up on wanting Only Half Right to be this perfect sister and companion that I imagined for Not Being, Only Half Right was born as the left sister (instead of the intended right) with a darker and more powerful motion than I could I hoped for.  Once it started to take shape and direction, I was able to add in forms to tie the sister together, but of its own direction.  

Thanks Only Half Right, I will not soon forget that I have no say in the motion of the universe. I am only responsible for showing up and accepting the hand I am delt. 

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Manifesto: On Work

This week, my "To Do" list evolved into a manifesto of sorts, and I took that as a sign to take the time to actually put my values onto paper and out into the world.  Below is a section of my hot-off-the-press manifesto:

On Work:

• Keep your workspace clear of clutter. 
• Be open and receptive to inspiration everywhere and at any time. 
• Treat your work as a sacred craft. You are merely an agent of the universe.
• Do not disrespect your muse by allowing yourself to become more important than your message.
• When you show up to work, be 100% present.  Do not multitask. 
• Your work should be born from inspiration, not from outside pressures to create in a certain way, maintain a certain look or appeal to a certain audience. 
• Work hard and diligently and the right people and connections will come to you. 
• Do not allow your creative spirit to be threatened. 

The Evolution

I am so happy to be writing this post.  I have been wanting to for a while and here it is! When I am creating, since my process requires a void of planning to create the sort of  flow I want, I take a lot of progress pictures.  I like to take these pictures as a tool for seeing my work small, versus an actual painting, on a tiny screen to regroup and collect myself.  So in this small version I can make my critiques. More weight here, more movement here, oh my gosh all my lines are crooked. Things that I can’t see when I am immersed  in my work. So here is an evolution of my most recent work “Small Voices.”  The piece was titled alluding to an excerpt from a new favorite [or should I say this week's favorite book The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield.  Totally life changing book.

“We fear discovering that we are more than we think we are. More than our parents/children/teachers think we are. We fear that we actually possess the talent that our still, small voice tells us. That we actually have the guts, the perseverance, the capacity. We fear that we truly can steer our ship, plant our flag, reach our Promised Land. We fear this because, if it’s true, then we become estranged from all we know. We pass through a membrane. We become monsters and monstrous.” -The War of Art, Steven Pressfield